Sunday, October 3, 2010

Feeling so Judged!

I am feeling so judged right now. I have another blog that I have been writing on for the past few years. But it's my 'vanilla' blog. The one where I'm not mentally ill. Where I write about all the niceties of my day to day life. Basically it's just a blog on trying to prove to the world that I'm 'normal' and I'm just like 'them'.
But because the past 2 yrs have been so bad for me, I have totally isolated and stopped socializing. So, I think everyone started asking what the hell was up with me. Very few of these people knew I suffered from 3 mental illnesses. I think they were all a bit surprised when last month I just "came out" and wrote a blog post on why I had basically disappeared off of every ones radar. I was ill.
But, now the back-lash is starting. All the facebook messages and rumours floating around. Peoples opinion of me are starting to come to light. But of course, these people havent' been in my life for a VERY long time and they don't have a CLUE what I have been through or why.
And now I'm feeling like I have to justify my actions over the past 10 years. Why do I feel this need to explain myself? I SHOULD be thinking to hell with all of you. You weren't bothered enough to call/write/visit over the past 10 years so really who are you to me? But still, inside, I feel this need to explain. I think I'm so worried about peoples opinion of me and worried that they've got me all wrong and worried that they all hate me and have written me off. I'm worried that they have all 'sided' with my family. (My loved ones who totally don't get me and my illness and therefore have chosen not to be a part of my life)
WHY? Why do I feel this need to be liked and understood? Why do i feel this need to explain why I am the way I am and why do I feel this need to justify my actions and decisions and behaviours over the past 10 years that have brought me to this place of loneliness and poverty and isolation? I hate that I am so weak. I should just tell them all to shut up and fuck off - If you cared you would still be in my life. But you don't so just fuck off.
But this needy little girl deep inside me is crying out for acceptance. I WANT to be liked. I WANT to be cared for. I WANT to have friends and a normal social life. I WANT people to understand me and my trials with depression/Bipolar/BPD. I hate myself for being so needy.
Do I get on my 'other' blog and try and explain why I did the things I did over the past 10 years? Or do I let it go - which I know will eat away inside of me cuz I just can't bear the fact that there are people who think so badly of me.
I think I need a little bit more time to think about this. Because whatever goes on that other blog, will be read by lots of people who used to be great friends and loved ones. I'm not anonymous on that blog at all. I will be naked for everyone to see, judge and decide what they really think of me.

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