It's 6:30pm and I haven't even been to bed from the night before. I have been suffering this terrible insomnia for the past few months. Last night I gave up trying to sleep and read a book all night instead. So, needless to say I'm feeling kinda ratty today.
One of the problems I've been having (especially the past 3 months) is that I can't get anything done. I'm finding it harder and harder to cope with everyday tasks and demands. Everything seems like climbing a mountain. Most days, just managing to finally get in the shower is a huge accomplishment. I have a list of things that need doing but can't seem to get my shit together to even look at it. How can you explain to people that deciding what to wear can take 5 minutes cuz you just can't pull your thoughts together enough to figure it out.
But today I knew that I had to go and get a 'top-up' for my cell phone. If I didn't add time onto it today, I would lose the $50.00 already on there. (If you lapse a payment they throw you back to zero) so I knew I needed to get out and buy that TELUS card. And of course going out means I need to take a shower and then actually do my hair instead of throwing it into a ponytail. As ridiculous as it sounds, this small task seemed out of my reach today. I just couldn't get going. But finally late in the afternoon I got in the shower. I then drove to WalMart and did a shopping (which I had to put on a credit card cuz I am flat broke-but I have to EAT) I bought the Telus card, came home and topped up my cell phone. Then, I even picked up the phone & called the doctors cuz I missed my app't with him last week. (they were pissed but hey, I'm trying, depression makes you miss things,...) and then I called my Mother. She wasn't home and I was secretly glad because I just wasn't up to the 'happy' conversation. Just doing these little things all in one afternoon has been HUGE for me. I feel less like a slug and a tiny bit more like 'real' people. But, having said that. I am now totally exhausted physically and mentally and all I want to do now is plop in front of the TV and watch Coronation Street & Eastenders. How on earth could such a small list of things to do take so much out of me????
This bout of depression has been the longest and darkest one that I have had in quite some time. I hate this illness.