Saturday, September 11, 2010

A tiny bit better tonight

I have been in this severe depression for about a month now. I haven't got much done.  If anyone else is reading this, PLEASE tell me that they, too, go through these deep lows that leave them totally lethargic and unable to function.
I find that the key for me to get going is SHOWERING! I know that if I can just get into the shower I always feel better for the rest of the day. I do manage to shower EVERY day becasue otherwise I just feel gross. Anyway, I finally got into the shower about 7 tonight. After that I got 3 loads of laundry done as well as grocery shopping. Later, when the phone rang, I actually answered it (as most times lately I just let it go into the answering machine) It was my youngest daughter H***** (16) who is currently living 3 and a half hours away with her Dad. We chatted for over an hour. I felt better afterwards. . So I was kind of proud of myself.  3 things accomplished in the space of 4 hours. That's epic for me lately. Not bad.
But, as usual, because I didn't wake up until late this afternoon, I won't be tired and will not go to bed until 4 or 5 in the morning again. The vicious cycle continues. And tomorrow will be another "Groundhog Day" of today. And yesterday,... and the day before that,...
I can't decide if medication is a good thing for me or not right now.
I was on 700mg of seroquel XR a day for the past year. (Yes, you heard right - 700mg!!) The doctor just did not want me on a lower dosage. But being on that much left me totally stoned. I mean can't keep my eyes open or move an inch stoned!! So without him knowing, in June, I stopped taking it altogether. For about 6 weeks I went completely drug free. Then I gradually started introducing myself to small doses. Now I take about 200 mg every other day.
I noticed two things. Firstly - I had no idea just how stoned I was until I came off of it. I mean I think I completely slept through a year of my life! but secondly, I have plummet into this severe depression. So which is the lesser of the two evils? Being so stoned you sleep your life away or being so depressed you just want life to end. There is a difference.
So thats where I'm at right now. Does everyone deal with medication issues?? I know I have for about 20 years. I have tried every depression/bipolar drug out there I think. For me, being on medication has always made me feel horrible. But the highs and lows of bipolar aren't better. Such a dilema. What to do,... What to do,.... What to do,.....

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