Friday, September 24, 2010

Post Surgery

I'm now back from having my minor surgery Friday. (Carpal Release) There were a couple complicatins. Driving the three and a half hours home the next evening my incision burst and I had to drive to an ER to get it re-frozen & re-stitched. Then it got infected so I had to be put on some strong anit-biotics. Still feeling quite unwell. But glad it's all over with.
My doctor did find out something in regards to my bloodwork though. Apparently my liver showed signs of abnormality. So we did the test a second time. The second test showed the same so I have to re-do the test a third time in the middle of October. Now I already know why. I've had 6 drug overdoses (Yes, suicide attempts) in which 3 of those times involved LARGE amounts of prescription drugs. On top of that, I have always taken quite a 'cock-tail' of meds trying to control my Bipolar/depression/BPD. No one is admitting anything right now but it doesn't take a genius to figure out my liver has had enough and wants me to stop already with all the DRUGS!!! And the most shocking part of all? I am so sick and tired of being depressed for so many years that I actually WANT to find something wrong with me. How horrible is that? How twisted must I be to want that?? But for the past 10 years all I have wanted is to die so I can fianlly be free of this torturous disease. My suicide attempts have failed. Maybe I will finally just get sick for real! I won't have to worry about how to kill myself. My body will just do it on its own. That, folks, is just how sick I am right now. All I want is OUT!!!!!!!!

No comments: