Monday, September 27, 2010

NO Energy!

Back to Newmarket (Ontario Canada) to the surgeons office to get my stitches removed and make sure the hand healed alright after the surgery. So I HAVE to go - no choice there,... (7 hour round trip) But I am at an all time low right now.
Usually when I go away for a few days I ALWAYS clean my apt just in case something happens and someone has to come in and feed the cat or something. I would be humiliated if my apt wasn't spotless. I usually clean for 2 or 3 days beforehand. Get laundry done, etc,.... 
Today, I did NOTHING! I got up at noon. Couldn't get moving so sat on the couch watching my british soaps all afternoon. I even had a few panicy moments as I KNEW I had to get up off my arse and get stuff done. FINALLY around 6:00pm I made it into the shower. Then had 'breakfast' - did dishes and got on the computer to pay some bills (with money I dont have which always leaves me anxious & very panicy). I did NOT get laundry done as I didn't have any money for the machines so I'm at a loss as to what I'll end up wearing tomorrow. All my clothes are dirty. I know, I know... If I just got my shit together a few days ago and planned ahead all these issues would have been taken care of and I'd have no worries for not being ready tomorrow. But I couldn't. I tried. I really did want to and I really did try. But I just was paralyzed on that damn couch. I felt nothing. Just a nothingness depression. This is the longest I have gone through one of these 'spells'. It's starting to worry me that I'll never get over this one and I'll sink even lower into my Black Fog and never come out again. Why am I so low right now? Why can't I move? Why can't I think? Instead I'm a catatonic couch potatoe. I feel like such a useless piece of space.

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