Sunday, September 26, 2010

Lying so noone will bother me

I am still do depressed. I don't want to see or talk with anyone. I have one friend that has been hinting to me over facebook to get in touch. Shes one of those 'high maintanence' types. She doesn't drive so I end up driving her all over while she does errands, etc,...  Now don't get me wrong. Shes a lovely girl and does a lot for me too but she just keeps at me. "Call me,... call me,... get in touch,... haven't heard from you in  a few days,... call me,..." I find myself making excuse after excuse to not have to talk with her everyday. I'm just not up to talking with anyone right now let alone her who will have me driving over there to take her someplace or other. Shes so 'bubbly'. I find it draining to be around her. So much effort to act 'normal'.
So today on Facebook I actually wrote a fake status. "Going to Traceys for the BBQ - Back tomorrow,..."  I don't have a friend named tracey and I'm certainly not going to any BBQ. (I can barely get out of bed & shower!) I just needed a day of not feeling guilty that I didn't call this friend of mine. I should feel lucky that I have a friend that wants to talk to me everyday. But I don't feel lucky. I feel hounded. I just want to be by myself and isolate. To stay inside my sanctuary and not answer the phone when it rings. I just want to be by myself. It's obvious why I have no friends if this is how I am but I can't help it.
Why am I this way? Why am I so depressed that I don't even want any human contact? Why do I hate to be anywhere but in my apartment? Why can't I get up and shower? Why can't I do anything but watch TV and surf the net? Why can't I be normal? I hate this depression. I don't understand it. I don't want it. I don't want to be alive. I just want to vanish forever and never have to deal with life ever again.

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