Tuesday, September 28, 2010

I'm so pissed off with myself

Usually I sit and read everyone Else's blogs before I write a post but today I can't. I have this depression in me right now that is so big it's bigger than me and I can't control it anymore and I just need to let off some steam cuz it's actually made me really angry tonight. I am so pissed off with myself. This depression/bipolar/BPD,... whatever it is these damn doctors keep diagnosing me with has ruined my life. And instead of working hard to get better, It's actually getting worse with each passing year.
I saw my youngest daughter today for an hour. That always tugs at my heart at the best of time but today even more so because it really drove home what I have lost because of this disease(s). My marriage, my daughters (I lost custody after a suicide attempt & didn't get to see them for 3 yrs after that) my family (parents & brothers) my home, my job, my friends,... I have lost EVERYTHING! And now I am living alone in an apt I am going to lose shortly (cuz I can't afford) using the food bank and I can't even muster the energy to leave these walls for sometimes weeks at a time. And I have to ask myself why? Why do I have this illness? Why can't I get better this particular time (as I have had real up times as well as down in the past years) What did I do that was so bad that I deserve this illness?  And I hate myself for having it. Because of it I have sabotaged my entire life. I have made terrible, impulsive, irresponsible choices that have changed my life,... taken things away from me that I will never get back,....And it's too late to 're-do'. I will never get my marriage back - or custody of my children. I only see them about once every 6-8 weeks and for only a few hours at a time. I will never get my father back (he passed away so can't make amends) My mother who really doesn't want me in her life so we rarely see or speak with each other. My brothers hate me and have openly said they never want to see me again. I spend so many holidays alone it breaks my heart. And of course the worse these things get, the more depressed I get so it's a viscous cycle. And now I'm at the point where I just throw up my hands and wonder why the hell do I keep torturing myself? It's obvious I'm never going to get better. Right now I can't even balance a check book or string 3 thoughts together without collapsing in tears and taking to my bed for days on end. I have NO confidence. No self worth. I'm incapable of keeping a job. Which basically means I'm incapable of taking care of myself financially. (The past 30 years have proven this beyond a doubt). So why am I here? Each of my days runs into the next. Days are nights,... nights are days,.... no structure. No communication with anyone,... no social life,... no life at all. TV, computer, sleep, crying, hating myself. That's my life. I hate waking up each day now. It's like I open my eyes and think,... "Fuck,... I have to go through another day???" I'm such a fucking loser. I am, quite literally, a waste of space. I do nothing,.. I mean nothing,... I am nothing,... my life is nothing,.... so why does God keep me around? Take someones cancer away and let me die instead. WHY am I here????? When society becomes too expensive for me to exist in,... when society becomes too difficult emotionally/mentally & physically for me to exist in anymore how am I suppose to keep myself here without eventually becoming a street person. A statistic of another 'mentally ill homeless person' (which I've been before so it's a VERY REAL fear for me. I don't understand why I'm being made to exist in a world where I feel nothing but pain. Can anyone answer this for me? Does anyone else feel this way?  How do others continue to get up and put one foot in front of the other regardless? I am really having a hard night tonight. I feel unworthy of this space I am occupying in this world and feel there are so many other people out there who deserve to live life much more than I do. So why do good, loving wonderful people die and I am made to stay? I just don't understand it.

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