Thursday, September 30, 2010

I feel like I am in a holding tank. Like my life has been 'on hold' since my last drop in mood which has now lasted for well over 2 years now. But this time it feels different because this time there is no 'exit' door or window. I feel like this time I am stuck in this holding tank of life until the end of my life. That I will not get better this time. The illness has gone on far too long and deep this time for me to be even the least bit optimistic about my future.
So what do I do now? I just sit here and wait to die? I'm 47. Waitting to die could be another 50 years! But I just don't feel like I have it in me to change. I'm way too depressed. Way too beyond caring if I do get better. I can't work to support myself so that makes the quality of my life really bad. I fear I am slowly on the way to homelessness once again. If you can't work. You can't support yourself financially. And I know for a fact, the government doens't offer enough to sustain an existence. You have to live with someone else to get by. You have to have someone else to share all your bills with in order to survive. But no one would ever live with me.
So instead, I sit in Gods holding tank waiting for the ax to fall. Death or homelessness. those are the only two options left for me now and I guess I just have to sit here and wait for God to choose which option it will be and when.
I am so sick of this life.
I HATE what my life has become.
I just dont' know why I have to endure this anymore.
I don't understand it at all.

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