Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Get my shit together already!!

I really need to get my shit together. I'm up early tomorrow to drive the 3 hours to Newmarket for a doctors app't and then (minor) surgery the next day. But I seem to be in this weird totally depressed, can't string 2 thoughts together mood-thingy. I feel disconnected. I'm really anxious now as I know tomorrow I have to be in the real world and act 'normal'. And I know that's going to take a gargantuan effort on my part. Right now, EVERYTHING is an effort. Doing the dishes is an effort,... having a shower is an effort,...
I'm a little scared too cuz this place isn't new to me. I've been here before and the other times it was just before the meltdown. I can sense the symptoms. So, for the sake of my surgery (which I just cannot cancel) and all the people I will be visiting this week while out that way (My Aunt as well as my two daughters) I just have to pull myself together. But just the thought exhausts me. It's unfortunate that I have to have fallen into this state just when I need most NOT to be unwell. I have faked it many times before. We all know well the pasted smile and I'm the life of the party only to get home and collapse on the couch a catatonic potatoe because the effort was just so damn exhausting. How am I ever going to be able to muster the energy to do this???? I'm feeling completely overwhelmed.

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