Saturday, September 11, 2010

Can't get going

Been really bad these past few months on not being able to do anything. Everyday it's a struggle just to get out of bed (which is usually around 2 in the afternoon because I didn't go to bed until 5 in the morning!). I give myself tiny goals everyday. "OK,... today all you have to do is the dishes,...." or "Today, all you have to do is laundry,..." A lot of days just finally having a shower is an accomplishment. And believe it or not, I don't even manage to get these small tasks done sometimes. It's like my body is made of wet sand. It's so heavy. And i just don't have the energy to move. It's "The Black Fog". Walking through the black fog is like trying to run through waist deep water. It's just too big of an effort so I just give up.
My days usually consist of getting up,...  making coffee and bringing it into the spare room to sit at the computer for hours on end. Checking e-mail, then twitter, and then I go to Facebook where I play "Frontierville" and a few other games for hours on end. Then I watch TV for a bit.  My mind is empty - numb. I don't want to see anyone,... talk with anyone,.... Be with anyone,... I hardly ever answer the phone. I isolate - completely.
I have one one friend, S*****.  She is the only thing that gets me out of my apartment. But not because I want to. Because shes persistent and I don't want her to know how seriously depressed I am. But even then I have to psych myself up beforehand. Nothing is ever spur of the moment. I have to make plans the day before. That way I set my alarm so I don't sleep all day. I have to make the effort to get up before noon,... shower,... and then psych myself up "to be on". To act as normal as I can. To pretend life is good. To try and fake my way into making people believe I'm a normal contributing member of society. But inside I don't even want to be bothered. The effort exhausts me. And I can't wait to get back home to lock myself in my little apartment and go back to being depressed. I'm not saying I enjoy being depressed and can't wait to do it. Not at all,... I'm saying that's my 'normal' state right now and it's what needs the least effort on my part which makes it the easier option. Having friends,... having a job,... having a normal life,... Is just too damn hard right now.

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